The Rantings of a Displaced Pirate (part 2)

BOD - An Epidemic Sweeping The Nation

The news media has recently begun reporting on what most university students have known for a long time. The new culture of university life consists mainly of the mass consumption of alcohol and little else. Gone are the days of the glee club and the sweater vest replaced instead with drinking clubs and the white t-shirts w. logos and fitted baseball hats.

This is not to put down the iconic drinkers of the past. We must always show the utmost respect to the legends of the past. The Rat Pack paved the way for the degenerate lifestyle, in fact it was Dean Martin who said, ""You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on." If this expression is lost on you I would encourage you to go to the local LC and down a 26er in one sitting and then you will know what he's talking about.

This trend was embraced and accelerated by the Rock and Roll culture of the 70s. We must never forget the sacrifices made by Keith Moon and John Bonham. If it wasnt for these pioneers of the game people would still be passing out face up in pools of there own regurgitate.

What has changed is that this behaviour is no longer reserved to rockstars and celebrities. In fact it seems that the typical university student (typical in my circle of friends) has far surpassed the average rockstar in terms of partying. The public looks at young hollywood and is appalled by there lewd, debaucherous behaviour and it is at that times I am thankful that I am not a celebrity. Think about waking up after a night of indulgence to see pictures of yourself in a state that you dont even remember. Now thats not my cup of tea. Black Out Drunk has become the norm in many instances. It is very rare that members of the complex are able to piece together any events of the night following our predrinks, which can often be vicious in nature.

BOD, as it is commonly referred to, used to be a sign of a serious alcohol problem. There was one point that if a students parents found him sitting on the main couch in their den covered in his beer-belly ejaculate with no recollection of how he got there, it would have been offensive and deplorable. Now, sure they'd be upset but it aint nothing they havnt seen before.

Enough with these rantings already, there is a point to all this Bucklin' of the Swash. It appears that their has been a steady increase in BOD throughout the river Thames. When your at a bar and your talking to a mate are you actually talking to them? or has their conscious mind been drowned by the behemothic ingestion of alcohol that has already taken place and nothing you say has any consequence what so ever.

I tend to agree with the latter -->

Coming up in Part 3 of Rantings of a Displaced Pirate

Girls Who Only Talk to You in Bars and Their Underlying Self-esteem Issues Behind It

In Response to the Blumpkin

The Angry Dragon - Immediately after you blow your load in a girls mouth, smack the back of her head and make it come out her nose. When she gets up she'll look like an angry dragon.

The Club Sped - Blowing your visibly steaming load outside in the winter time, like when you get your cock sucked on a ski lift.

The Coyote - This occurs when you wake up in the room of a nasty wombat and you know you've got to give her the slip. However, you realize that your arm is wrapped around her. Therefore you must gnaw off your own arm to get out of the situation. Can be very painful.

The Sandbag - Under an assumed name in a tropical region, you meet a young hottie and engage in the well-known cliché of sex on the beach. Just before insertion, remove the rubber, and proceed to bang away until you blow your load, without pulling out. As you dismount and prepare for departure, grab a handful of sand, throw it in her eyes, and run away laughing hysterically.

The Snowball - This happens when a girl blows you and spits the jizz in your mouth. Another definition is when a girl blows some other guy, and then gives you a hot sloppy kiss with some of that guy's fresh jizz still in her mouth. With all those dirty broads out there, odds are it has happened to you. Just ask your friends if it has, cause they probably already know and have been laughing their asses off at you.

The Spiderman - When you are banging a chick from behind, you cum in your hand and spit on her anus, thus making her think you have ejaculated on her. Then fling your man juice in her face (making sure to properly mimic Spidey's web slinging hand motions), jumping to your feet in a spiderman-esque fashion. Now stand in a position of bravery, and power like any superhero would. Be sure not to react when she yells at you. Stand tall and proud, not too many guys get the chance to do that these days.

- DGN

An open letter to my first blowjob

To the first girl who ever put my penis in her mouth,

We had never met before that night. But any apprehension our shared anonymity fostered was obliterated by our raw sexual chemistry. As you would later whisper, you "were not a slut" and had "never done anything like this before", and as a naive young man I was inclined to believe you. However I now know your claims were empty. The truth lay in your virtuoso oral performance and uncanny ability to work the shaft as I lay spread eagle on your parents bed. 

I admit our communication post DIM* coitus has been sporadic and disjointed (not unlike your vain attempts at breathing while my testicles rested against your chin). But I would like to take this opportunity to thank you; not just for providing a warm and hospitable mouth but for fostering my artistic spirit. I have not forgotten how you bravely volunteered to serve as the virgin canvas, upon which my inner Jackson Pollack first expressed itself (as little beads of genetic material splattered  across your face)

Sincerely,

The Inventor

*DIM: Dick-in-Mouth

BLUMPKINS FOR ALL

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Enough with the fucking questions already

fuck people who ask questions in class....i mean do these kids seriously want their arbitrary and inconsequential questions answered, or do they just want to hear the sound of their own voice? Or do they merely want to appear smart, or intellecutally curious or something along those lines? I dont know.

I do know that they dont give a shit about the answer though. Half the time these people ask questions, they dont even listen to the the teachers response. I sometimes think that these people ask questions just to keep me in class longer, or increase my hate for them...But then i think about it more and I know that this isnt about me...it is about them...Them and theyre stupid desire to appear smart through a practice of question asking that so obviously highlights their kiniving and scheming ways. You know the saying "theres no stupid questions"...well thats a lie...there are definitely stupid questions and there are without a doubt stupid people who ask them. So next time your sitting in class and feel like standing out as the brightest crayon in the box, maybe just repress that desire and shut ur goddamn yap...stop with the fucking questions already. Your silence is strength.

signs that thoughtsof sex ar consuuming ur mind'

whn u have to type with 1 hand caus ur jerkin off wit the otherr

Signs That Thoughts of Sex are Consuming Your Life:

Your thinking about if midgets have the same size vaginas as regular humans or if they have these nice tiny midget pussys

Signs Thats Thoughts Of Sex Are Consuming Your Life...

- you spend your entire three hour night class sitting next to your partner-in-crime, contemplating the power of the pussy while secretly yearning for one another

A diamond encrusted region? or just a crusty spot to hang out with your wang out?

Although there is nothing wrong with thinking about sex or tits or pussy or whatever it is u think about, there is a problem when these thoughts consume your life. There must be a limit to how much we think about these things...

This leads to this weeks question of the day...How much power should we grant the pussy?

Is it some omnipotent all-powerful entity that must be idolized, or is it merely a nice hole analagous to a crack in the wall that we sometimes stuff our garbage into whenever the need strikes us?

Im interested to hear your thoughts

Thoughts on Thoughts

So I am just sitting in my 3 hour night class right now, and all I can think about is pussy. All I can picture in my head is a nice dripping wet vaj. All I can smell is its perfume like scent. All I can taste is the warm juice that flows from this anatomical oasis.

These thoughts consume my time, minute after minute, hour after hour, day after day/ These thoughts consume my life. I sometimes worry that these thoughts are problematic. While I am supposed to be focusing on a lecture, I look at the girl in front of me and just dream about giving her a facial. I look at the girl to my right and I all i can imagine is fucking this girl in the ass. I look to my left and see rosenblatt, and my dick momentarily goes soft.

i hate doing laundry...fucking ro$en&!@tt and his goddamn blue towels. This kid literally has 25 blue towels that he unnecessarily washes twice a day, everyday of the week. I dont get it...

yak ossburns reekroots

crak cokane and eroin...eroin

and eroin

*** SHOCK SITE SUPERSTAR SPOTTED ***

**** COMPLEX UPDATE ****

Various sources have confirmed that Shiela R. Bungleding has been seen around the complex. It was originally thought the Ms. Bungleding was living abroad in Myanmar where she began producing videos that were generally scatological in nature. After her production company reached notoriety with the release of 13 Pre-Teens and 1 Baby the Myanmar government began taking extreme measures to end Shiela's reign of fecal terror. After narrowly escaping to the Ho Chi Minh City, Bungleding decided to shift the focus of her career into a different direction. After a forray into extreme body modification, which at one point included wearing her own nipples as earrings, Shiela found her true calling in the human trafficking trade. Using her good looks and her fervent appetite for the female flesh, it was quite easy for Bungleding to seduce women from across Eastern Europe. Bungleding would employ these women in the many brothels she owned across the world. She even began franchising Bungleding's Brothels and moved back to a supply role for many of the locations. Famous for its high-quality and no-holds barred sodomy, Bungleding's Brothels continues to reap in untold fortunes for her effective streamlining of the human traffic industry. It is know thought that Bungleding has exhausted most of her avenues in Europe and has sought to find new ground in Canada. There has been much speculation about her reasons for her sudden reappearance in the area. Many suggest that Bungleding is here to continue her pursuit for new talent and it is quite logical that the Complex be used due the nature of its demographics and culture. Either way, Dingleberry, er... sorry Bungleding's appearance in the complex can only mean good things for the male population of the complex. Who knows, maybe she's not just looking for new talent, but a new location. In which case, unit #3 would do just fine.

The Degeneral Stikes

Benders

Have you ever noticed that after partying for a long time (at least until the sunrise) that your mind and body begin performing in an entirely different way.
Your body is no long using water to perform simple tasks but instead some kind of solution that is based primarily on liquor (for me its vodka-redbull)
Exhaustion (although you cannot feel it) or rather lack of lack of sleep adds a whole new level of delirium. For me the state of mind after not sleeping for over 24hrs is more uninhibited and degenerate than any level of drunkeness. Over confidence leads to the realization that at 10:30 in the AM nobody would even consider that your completely buckled (although this perception is only valid in your own mind, dude, people can tell your mangled, I mean come on... your in the midst of a bender)
You are now able to do things that you wouldn't have considered if the sun was not up. Driving is now, more than ever, a viable option. No matter how far, cottage missions and cross-country trips are now no longer fleeting, unintentional, insubstantial remarks but are now possible, weighted and potential journeys you may embark on.
After reaching a certain level of intoxication it is acceptable to bring in new life. There is a tendency to do a Darwinian-esque last man standing but tense kind of regulations always lead to an inevitable end of the bender. By not bringing in fresh blood you are limiting yourself to a certain energy and timeline. Getting some fresh blood to join the party the next day can bring in some some much needed enthusiasm, momentum and some good ol' fashioned vim and vigor - not to mention a stash and money, always welcome at this part of your adventure
Weed is a must for any trip. Try to avoid blazing on it early as your stash may be limited. For the most party, drugs will prevent you from feeling the effects of weed. However, when coming down weed is essential as it will:
- make you tired
- ease your stomach
- slows your heart rate (very important as this factor keeps you awake and keeps your body operating at an abnormally active level)

Thats all for now children. Until next time. If your gonna party. party hard.

The Rantings of a Displaced Pirate

Why in Canada, or North America for that matter, do we not have drinking songs? Yes, we have songs that encourage the debaucherous behaviour that rekindles images of my childhood, and; Yes, we have songs that when are played result in people turning up the stereo to 11 and having a good ol' fashioned clam-jam but yet, Canadians as a culture do not have Songs that we sing while we are drinking. Sure we have songs we sing while were hammered (louie-louie is a personal favorite of this swashbuckl'r) but we do not have songs that encompass the drinking-culture of the country. Canada as a nation is missing a crucial part of its identity that can be found in almost all other crown colonies. That is of course is a national drinking anthem.
Other beer drinking cultures do this. There is a certain level of inebriation that seems to reserved to only those who have been colonized by the British. Why is it that the nations that are Crown colonies are the biggest beer drinkers --> Irish, Scotts, Brits, South Africans (SA may or may not be a crown colony - definately not I think it was Dutch). Ill tell you why - because they have national drinking songs. In Canada, a nation that can be considered a top contender for biggest beer drinkers, we lack in these songs and as such drinking will continue to remain only a national passtime. A national drinking anthem changes drinking from a relaxing passtime to a passionate act of patriotism. No longer would drunken revelry between brothers at arms be looked down upon by society but be encouraged and idolized for their outfront and vocal support for their nation. Canada has a problem with patriotism. Many say that the problem comes from the inability for Canadians to recognize one particular Canadian identity, other say it may be a result in the divisions in Canada not just between Anglo and Franco-phones but between the national geographic boundaries between western, central and eastern Canada. The fact of the matter is that the only thing holding back the nationalist sentiments in Canadian is our lack of a national drinking song. This crisis must be addressed immediately, if not by the politicians, then by the people.

Viva La Degeneration

Vodka Redbull

Vodka Redbull

You mask the alcohol until its too late
Drinking them all night is a mistake

They get me loopy, they get me trashed
They get me going, they get me ass

Redbull and Vodka all night long
Redbull and Vodka impairs my shlong

Oh my heart, it beats so fast
Oh my liver, it will never last

UPDATE

Thanks to a strong effort in the first 2 weeks of 2008, quarterly projections indicate a 150% increase in partying in comparison to relative figures of 2007. The alcohol is flowing, and the inhibitions of complex members have reached an all time low of zero. While this would indicate an obvious loss of dignity and self-respect, both factors have actually remained stagnant over this period. Some argue that this kind of reckless alcoholism is unhealthy, but this reporter will instead raise a glass and purpose a toast to the blatant disregard of the liver and all those who stand in our way.
In other news, this morning marks the 37th week of missing complex member Jocelyn (Thibault) Weisharr AKA Jweisz. Last seen on the premises in April of 2007, search parties have found no leads and are no closer to solving the mysterious disappearance. One former house mate told us that before she left jocelyn said "she was sick and tired of being sick and tired..." In a midst of racial slurs and inappropriate language, one member of unit 4 has suggested in his southern accent that " the white cracker ass whore 'spoon-tenaciously corn-busted" (spontaneously combusted), and upon my dismissal of that possibility, he began yelling profanities at the camera. The lack lustered efforts of the search party will continue into the new year and everyone here is hoping for some kind of closure, everyone except for the livid gentleman from unit 4 who maintains his position.


Check the ticker for the latest


notable quotes from the last week
" I'm a total fuckin' weirdo, but he's so much more retarded that I just fly under the radar"
" Sure Michael Richards is a sick filthy racist, but Kramer supports Obama, explain that."

A Bull Market

It has recently come to my attention that aside from enjoying farting, another pastime of the UWO female student body is sucking dick. I swear, it is a secret hobby of theirs...especially those hook nosed jew broads. They can eat more dick than they can swallow. Oh ya, thats another thing, these girls love to swallow. I don't know if they think this stuff is chalk full of vitamins or if they just enjoy the slimey and salty taste (don't ask me how i know what cum tastes like), but these girls love to slurp it down. I polled over 100 women on campus and the spit to swallow ratio came out at 1:9. Analysts have only predicted this ratio to increase. This means good things for the male populus as it translates to a bull market with more blowjobs, more frequently, with less of the sticky mess. 2008 should be good year for the blowjob.

Food For Thought

Contrary to popular belief girls do like farting...well not so much farting as much as what it represents. While males everywhere enjoy the wafting and subsequent deconstruction of the bio-chemical components of their flatulence, for women farting serves a far different purpose. For girls farting represents a level of comfort, an expression of self-disclosure within a relationship akin to a male revealing his inner most desires or fears.

Farting is not disgusting, its loving...so gentlemen next time your girl is mad or acting cold just heat her up with a good old-fashioned dutch oven.

NEWS BREAK

Today, the highly anticipated Complex numbers were released and polls show that over 37% of the pre-drinking public feels unsatisfied with Unit 3's commitment to good times. One alcoholic mentioned that he was verbally abused on the premises and has felt uncomfortable since. Another younger student has been quoted as saying "Its F***ing Bull-Sh*t, if Unit 2 and 4 weren't also in the same general vicinity, I would never pre-game there" Strong words from a coward who wouldn't give his full name to the media. Unfortunately, this kind of slander is uncontrollable, and it seems there is no stop in sight. Whether or not these are statements or truth or just simple opinions is yet to be decided.
But there is one thing on everyone's mind at this juncture, why the fuck did isabelle raise her fuckin prices so much. who the fuck does that vacuum swinging Brazilian bitch think she is???!!! I mean seriously 25$/hour... what the fuck are you cleaning with!!! fuckin goldschlagger??!!!

It is a Dark day at the complex when she is no longer welcome due to the inflation in the house cleaning market. farewell Isabelle... farewell.

Tit Mouse= Not a tit, nor a mouse...but yes, it is in fact a small blue bird that sings.

Hamster= not a ham, nor does it stir things...it is in a fact a small fuzzy rodent that has, in recent years, been domesticated in north america as a common house pet.

Marijuana= not mary as in jesus's mother, nor is it the female form of the mexican name Juan. It is in fact a drug with immeasurable medicinal value that goes quite well with food and getting your dick sucked.

Intervention

Have you ever been tired? Are you often hungry? Do you enjoy getting drunk?...Then you may have a problem. It has recently come to our attention that there have been some inappropriate behaviours expressed in the actions of a number of complex members. This monday we will be holding our first intervention where we will discuss the issue at hand.

The chronicles of a complex

As Feral child walked into our house this morning, he alerted us of his presence by the mere odor emanating from his body.   It smelled like a combination of vodka, male ejaculate, and something else, maybe vomit.   As for his attire, he was draped in a floral bed sheet...something reminiscent of the curtains you would find at your grandmothers house.  Usually, his style of dress is somewhat old school, though usually it is more formal than the toga like covering he is currently wearing.  (He frequently wears his zaidy's sweaters with matching slacks).  This morning, he looks particularly interesting though (not only because of his grotesque smell and weird clothing).  He has a partially sad expression on his face, complimented by a scheming grin (possibly he is planning on  who to black berry message next, possibly he is thinking about a shiny object he found on a walk, perhaps he is thinking about nothing at all.  In fact, it is likely he is thinking nothing at all).  This is the feral child.  This is his essence.  This is the child that must be destroyed.  

The Beating of a Feral Heart

"He may be gay, but I'm definitely on the verge of bi"

"She just wants to get fucked...I wanna spread her legs put a little cream cheese and salmon on it and just go at it"

"I'm gonna go to the bar and KILL it...seriously I'm going to take out a gun and just start stabbing"

"I wanna become more ferally just roll around in the mud and cover myself with leaves and just hit the bars...LEAF BOY, cover it with the jungle!"

"I dislocated my shoulder last night for the first time while I was oohntzing"