An open letter to my first blowjob

To the first girl who ever put my penis in her mouth,

We had never met before that night. But any apprehension our shared anonymity fostered was obliterated by our raw sexual chemistry. As you would later whisper, you "were not a slut" and had "never done anything like this before", and as a naive young man I was inclined to believe you. However I now know your claims were empty. The truth lay in your virtuoso oral performance and uncanny ability to work the shaft as I lay spread eagle on your parents bed. 

I admit our communication post DIM* coitus has been sporadic and disjointed (not unlike your vain attempts at breathing while my testicles rested against your chin). But I would like to take this opportunity to thank you; not just for providing a warm and hospitable mouth but for fostering my artistic spirit. I have not forgotten how you bravely volunteered to serve as the virgin canvas, upon which my inner Jackson Pollack first expressed itself (as little beads of genetic material splattered  across your face)

Sincerely,

The Inventor

*DIM: Dick-in-Mouth